Crimes against the Cinema
“Let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone”
Some bloke in the Bible
As you can probably guess, though I might have read short passages in the bible, I’ve never read it cover to cover nor committed it to memory. I did go to Sunday school once, despite being warned I wouldn’t like it (I didn’t). And a day doesn’t go by that I don’t hear someone misquote a much cleverer or wiser person. So with all those influences, it seems apt for me to start this post by misquoting the good book. The words might not be right, but I believe the sentiment is spot on.
Having said that, I willingly admit that I am not without sin when it comes to crimes against the cinema. But regardless, I intend to begin by casting a number of stones.
Cinema crimes come in many shapes and forms. Directors such as Russ Meyer and Quentin Tarantino have, in my opinion committed quite egregious cinematic sins. Put simply, Meyer’s films were total crap. Beautifully photographed, with unique and interesting characters, but at the end of the day crap that is close to unwatchable.
Tarantino’s film education occurred in the video store where he worked and where he watched a mix of amazing cinema and total crap. He subsequently borrowed heavily from good and bad filmmakers alike and served up predictable, repetitive films that only generated interest through large helpings of cartoonish violence and mundane, staccato dialogue.
I realise I’m in the minority with my assessments of Meyer and Tarantino. For those who are unconvinced of their cinematic crimes, I invite you to revisit any of their films and test your verdict.
Few would argue that Ed Wood’s films were good, but many believe he falls into a niche category… someone who’s films are so bad, they are good. While I would struggle to re-watch any of Ed’s work, I admit to enjoying Glen or Glenda and
Plan 9 from Outer Space the first time I saw them. But that’s not one of my cinematic sins.
There have been ‘actresses’ who should never have stepped in front of a camera and subsequently (dis)graced our screens. Few would argue that former ice skater Vera Ralston had any ability as an actress nor had a screen presence any more commanding than a tobacco store Indian. But because one person, Herbert Yates of Republic Pictures, we still have access to her torturous screen performances. No doubt Yates loved his future wife, but movie audiences never did.
Pia Zadora survived long after her debut film Santa Claus Conquers the Martians should have ended her film career. Instead she went on with the support of her husband Meshulam Riklis who was reportedly behind her Golden Globe win for New Star of the Year. Though he had little to do with her numerous golden raspberries including for Worst Actress of the 1980s, and her second place finish (behind Madonna) for Worst Actress of the Century.
Darryl Zanuck was responsible for a number of great films at 20th Century Fox, including The Longest Day, All About Eve, The Grapes of Wrath, The Snake Pit, Road House, and The Razor’s Edge. But in his later years, as Fox was beginning to increasingly descend into financial failure, he inserted his girlfriends into films that didn’t need the extra baggage.
Genevieve Gilles, Bella Darvi, Juliette Gréco and Irina Demick were all Zanuck’s girlfriends at one time, were all beautiful women with very little screen presence and are all names you likely can’t place in cinema history. Perhaps Zanuck wasn’t so much guilty of crimes as misdemeanours.
Jerry Lewis was a serial cinematic criminal. While he was watchable alongside Dean Martin, once left to his own devices he was consistently unfunny and a bastard to work with. Reportedly when Jack Warner first met Lewis and Martin he said ‘I can use the Wop, but what am I supposed to do with the Monkey?’
There are only two films Lewis appears in which are worth watching… It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World where his appearance is so fleeting it’s easy to miss, and Martin Scorsese’s King of Comedy where he plays an obnoxious but successful comic… a role where he’s essentially playing himself.
Having said all that, I too have committed cinematic crimes. As a cinemagoer, I have committed the crime of paying to see unworthy films, knowing full well that the more money producers earn making crap… the more crap they make.
My brother has a perverse interest in seeing really bad films and on one occasion I accompanied him to Alien Vs Predator. It was awful. About 20 minutes in one patron walked out yelling ‘This is shit’. I chuckled but stayed in my seat. He was right to leave and I was wrong to stay.
Years ago a friend and I would go to the cinema mid-week to catch up and to catch a film, making an effort to choose the best film screening at the time. Having recently seen Mena Suvari in American Beauty (and nothing else) I assumed she was likely to choose to appear in good films so thought Sugar and Spice, the story of bank-robbing cheerleaders would be worth watching. It wasn’t. My friend suggested we walk out and find something better but I convinced him to stay as it would surely get better… it didn’t.
Mena has appeared in 39 films (and counting), most of which I’ve never heard of, and (based on reviews and ratings) will never see. I’m not a repeat offender.
Actually, the truth is…. I was once a repeat offender. I paid to see You Can’t Stop the Music twice. The movie bombed in every country except Australia, and I can’t help but think that I’m a contributor to our national shame. I recently watched some (20 mins) of the film on TV, in part to see Caitlyn (Bruce) Jenner trying to act… yes, another crime against the cinema.
In my defence, there is one other film I paid to see at the cinema twice… Paul Cox’s Innocence (2000), the story of once young lovers finding each other in later life and rekindling their romance. It is one of the most beautiful love stories ever made.
If you want to help atone for my sins… track down Innocence and watch it… long live great cinema.